Harry Potter: Parsleytongue
by The Praetorian
Summary: Vicki Granger challenged authors to write a parody called Harry Potter: Parsleytongue. I don't know how many acutally DID, but here's my version!


Note: This story was written on a challenge from Vicki Granger, who asked someone to make a story about Harry Potter, ParsleyTongue. It had to go by the following criteria:  
  
1. Must be called 'Harry Potter: Parsleytongue'  
  
2. One character must speak/write/comunicate ONLY in Pig Latin   
  
3. At least 5 major things must be green   
  
4. There must be something special between Harry and Parsley that no one can understand  
  
5. Must be funny  
  
6. Must have some form of plot  
  
7. Must be rated PG13 or lower  
  
I think I pretty much covered all those bases. however, please read and review, and tell me what you think. And now, without further ado, I give you.....  
  
Harry Potter: Parsleytongue  
  
Harry Potter was no ordinary boy. What he didn't know was that he was actually a child wizard.....I mean, er.....uh......disregard that. That's not true....hehe......  
  
Anyway, Harry Lived with his his Aunt Dursley, who looked like a horse, or Julia Roberts, whichever springs to mind first, his Uncle Dursley, who had absolutley no neck whatsoever, and had to carry his head around under his arm, (due to lack of neck, no doubt) and his rather chubby cousin, Dudley-Doo Right, a canadian mountie that was badly animated. Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin hated him. Hated him, so very much. But Harry didn't care. He just lived in the crawlspace between the walls, the rats his only friends.  
  
Dudley-Doo Rights birthday was on January 1. Uncle and Auntie Dursley had decided to take Dudley, and his two best friends, Rocky and Bullwinkle, to the zoo. Then, they recieved a phonecall. Uncle Dursley picked it up.  
  
" Hello?......WhaT? What do you mean you can't take him?? What am I supposed to die with him? It's not your job description? Well fine!" Mr. Dursley slammed the phone down so hard he dropped his head, which rolled to a stop at Mrs. Dursley's feet.   
  
" Bad news, Petunia. The secret service just called. Apparently they opened out letter where we asked the President to watch the boy, and they say he's too busy. So we're stuck taking him to the zoo." Mrs. Dursley sighed sadly. Then, the doorbell rang.  
  
Dudley-Doo Right troted over and opened the door. In walked Rocky and Bullwinkle, who were similarly badly drawn. " Hello, Dudley! Are we ready to go to the zoo?" Suddenly, a loud voice echoed through the house.  
  
" That's right, Bullwinkle and Rocky are going to the zoo! But what they really don't know is that Mr. and Mrs. Dursley are non other than Boris and Natasha!" Mr. and Mrs. Dursley looked at each other.   
  
" No we're not!" they both said in unison. Rocky frowned.  
  
" There's that voice again! We hear it all the time. Just ignore it like we do." And so, they all ignored the voice and headed off to the zoo.  
  
Whil Mr. Dursely drove, he liked to complain about things. Some of his favorite topics were cheesewhiz, Harry, marshmallows, Harry, platypuses, Harry, and mimes. Today, it was Velveeta.  
  
" Stupid Velveeta! It's not even cheese! It's _cheese product!_" he said angrily. Harry cleared his throat.   
  
" I like Velveeta," he said. Mr. Dursley swerved the car.   
  
" VELVEETA DOESN'T TASTE GOOD! NO MORE TALKING ABOUT VELVEETA!" he shouted angrily. Finally, they arrived at the zoo.  
  
When they first arrived, Dudley-Doo Right wanted an ice-cream cone from the ice-cream vendor. Mr. Dursley bought Dudley, Rocky, and Bullwinkle each a jumbo neopolitan ice cream cone. The woman asked what Harry wanted, and Mr. Dursley bought him a Jalapeno Pepper MilkShake. Harry threw it away.  
  
Dudley, Bullwinkle, and Rocky grew tired of the animals, and as a change of pace, wanted to see vegetables. So, the family of Dursleys headed for the Zoo vegetable garden. Dudley soon found the most useable of all herbs and seasonings, the Parsley plant.  
  
" Make is move, dad!" yelled Dudley. Mr. Dursley held his head at the same level as the plant and blew on it. Unfortunatly, the plant was deeply rooted, and didn't budge.   
" This is boring. Let's go look at carrots!" sad Dudley.  
  
Harry looked at the parsley. He said down next to eat and stared at it. Then, the impossible happened. It waved at him. Harry looked around, saw nobody, and waved back. The parsley gave him a look that said, _What's up with your cousin, anyway?_ Harry smiled.  
  
" I know. So, where you from?" he asked. The parsley pointed at the sign, that said, Parsley, Native to Timbuktu. Harry nodded. " Like it there?" he asked. The parsley pointed to another section of the sign, the one that said he was spawned from the garnish of a cheesburger that some fool tossed on the ground. " Oh," said Harry.  
  
" MR. DURSLEY! DUDLEY! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HARRY'S DOING!" yelled Rocky's voice suddenly. Dudley, Bullwinkle, and Mr. Dursley all hurried to the parsley patch. The parlsey was waving back and forth. " Wow....." said Dudley, captivated. Then, the parsley blew out of the dirt and rolled passed Dudley, much like a tumbleweed.  
  
" OH MY GOD!" yelled Dudley, diving out of the way. Bullwinkle and Rocky ran in fear too. Before it disappeared completley, Harry could swear he heard it say, upon parting, " May Allah shine upon you!" in a distinct Timbuktu voice.  
  
The next day, at breakfast, there was a crash as an arrow flew through the window. Julia Roberts...I mean, Mrs. Dursley frowned. " Boy, I hope the mailman strike is over soon. Having mail delivered by Robin Hood and his merry men costing us a fortune in windows," she said. Harry stood up and examined the arrow. Attached to it was a letter. Harry unrolled it and read.  
  
Ear-day Arry-hay Otter-pay,  
  
Uo-yay ave-hay een-bay accepted-ay ooh-tay Ogwarts-hay Ademy-Acay of-ay Itchraft-way and-ay Izardwry-way. Lease-pay urchase-pay he-tay ollowing-fay hings-tay:  
  
1. 1 ualdron-cay  
2. 1 and-way  
3. A-ay unch-bay ooh-fay chool-say ooks-bay  
4. Izard-way loaks-cay  
  
Ee-say ou-yay at-ay he-tay eginning-bay ooh-fay he-tay erm-tay!  
  
Incerley-say,  
  
Rofessor-pay Lbus-Aay Umbledore-day, Eadmaster-hay   
  
Harry looked up at his aunt and uncle, curiously. " I'm a wizard?" he asked rather thickly. For no apparent reason, Mrs. Dursley started to cry.  
  
Mr. Dursley launched into a detailed explanation about Harry, his parents, Voldemort, etc, etc, etc. Harry sat down and took it all in.Then shrugged. " Oh well." He started to drink his orange juice.  
  
Suddenly, the door flung open, and there stood a huge, enourmous.....GREEN leprauchan. ( OK, he was huge for a leprauchan, OK? By the way, that's green thing number 1) " 'Ello, Harry! I'm Hagrid, the spiritual giant! I may not look big, but I gotta lot of spirit! I'm here to take you shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue for wizard clothes! Let's go!"  
  
He reached in, grabbed Harry by the shirt, and lugged him outside. After several hours of walking, they stopped. " Ah, yes, here we are!" said Hagrid in his squeaky voice. " Saks Fifth Avenue." Harry laughed. " Silly! They don't sell wizard stuff in Saks Fifth Avenue!" Hagrid frowned.  
  
" Have you ever been inside one?" Harry shook his head. " I should think not. Now, let's go!" They walked inside, and began to shop.  
  
The first thing Harry saw that he immediatly wanted was a Playstation2, but Hagrid told him they were to buy only wizard stuff, so they went past the mens, childrens, and womens to Wizards. Harry bought three robes and a cloak that were in his size, then moved onto wands.  
  
The wand man made him try almost every wand in the store, until finally, at about the 700th wand, Harry dropped it and it chipped at the end. The wand man smiled.   
" Finally! You break it, you buy it! I was wondering when you were going to drop one. This one is for you." He put the wand in a long box and sold it to Harry.  
  
Harry and Hagrid bought all the spell books and the cauldron, when suddenly Harry felt something hit his head. He looked up at the high rafters of Saks Fifth Avenue and saw a lime GREEN owl. " Oh, man...." he thought, about to wipe his head. Hagrid saved him the trouble and wiped the....er.....stuff away with a handkerchief.   
  
" When an owl plops on yer' head, it means he likes ya!" said Hagrid happily. Harry only stared in return, then decided to purchase the owl, which he decided to name Poopla. Finally, Hagrid looked at his watch.  
  
" Well, I reckons it's time to gets you down to the Hogwarts Express. Let's go." They walked a lot more, then finally arrived at the train station. " Now," said Hagrid, pointing, "Walk through that wall." Harry stared at him blankly, then saw a GREEN haired kid do it. Shrugging, he picked up his things and began to walk. " See you at Hogwarts, Harry!" said Hagrid, waving. Harry waved back and walked through the wall.  
  
He gasped, seeing for the first time the bright GREEN Hogwarts Express Train. He gave his stuff to the loading guy and walked onto the train. He looked for a seat and ended up sitting next to the green haired kid he saw earlier. The boy smiled and held out his hand. " Hi. I'm Ron. Ron Cheesly." Harry shook his hand.  
  
" Harry Potter," he said in reply. Ron gasped. " THE Harry Potter? The one who vanquishe He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Even-Though-It-Doesn't-Matter-Because-Everyone-Knows-He's-Dead?" Harry smiled. " That's the one." he said. Ron looked at him with respect.  
  
" Wow. Will you be my friend?" asked Ron. Suddenly, the Barney song started to play in the backround as Harry and Ron smiled at each other and began talking.  
  
At about 12:30, a lady walked into their cabin with food. She gave Ron a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then gave Harry a plate with roast beef, baked potato, asparagus and.....parsley. She smiled at Harry, then winked, and began to lick her lips. Then gave him a folded up piece of paper with her number and address on it.  
  
Harry picked up his fork and knife and started to cut his meat when the parsley spoke. " Did you hear the one about the bathtub? No? That's because nobody's made it up yet!" Harry started laughing and Ron looked at him. " What's so funny?" he asked.  
Harry pointed to the parsley. Ron stared at him with suspicion. "Umm.....ok....." and turned back to his sandwich.   
  
When they finally arrived at Hogwarts, the first thing Harry noticed was that it was a giant GREEN castle. Also, there was a large billboard behind it that said, " Whoo-hoo! We're GREEN object number five! Goooooo HOGWARTS!"  
  
He walked into the castle and was ushered into the great hall. Inside sat four very large tables, and at the head of the hall sat about 30 or 35 adults, presumably teachers.   
A particularily stern looking teacher stepped forward.   
  
" Hello. I am Professor McGonagall. You will all be placing this hat on your head, and it will call out which house you are in," she said, placing a baseball cap on a three legged stool. Harry stared in shock as the hat began to gangsta rap.  
  
_I'm the sortin cap, yeah, and I'm here to say,  
I'm the sortingest cap in the entire UK,  
I represent the Hogwarts flag of green, yellow, red, and blue,  
So put me on your head and I'll say to which house does go you!  
_( Forgive me, I cannot rap. I am white.)  
  
Harry watched as everyone took turns under the sorting hat. Ron went up, and the hat yelled out, " Gryffindor, dawg!" Next, Harry went up. He put the hat on his head.  
  
" Sup, dawg?"  
  
" Uh.....nothing much, you?" Harry replied.  
  
" I'm cool, man, I'm cool. You chillin'?"  
  
" Um......yeah, I guess. You?"  
  
" Oh yeah, brother! Like ice! Anyway, pick a number between 1 and 10."  
  
" Huh?"  
  
" How do you think I pick where you go? Now pick a friggin number!!!!"  
  
Harry thought for a moment, then said, " Seven."  
  
" Gryffindor!!!!" boomed the hat. Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat next to Ron and across from a girl who was immersed in a very large book. The girl held out here hand without revealing her face. " Hello, I'm Hermione Park Ranger," she said, shaking his hand. " Be my friend, or I'll hex you."  
  
Harry gulped and agreed. Finally, after everyone was sorted, a man with very long, white hair and beard stood up. Then, he spoke.  
  
" Reetings-gay! I-ay am-ay Rofessor-Pay Lbus-Ay Umbledor-Day, Eadmaster-ay ooh-fay Ogwarts-hay. I-ay ould-way ike-lay ooh-tay ay-say, at-eay up-ay!" Everyone stared at him, trying to make sense out of what he said. (Pig Latin isn't a very well understand language.) " At-eay up-ay!" Dumbledore repeated. Everyone continued to stare at him. Dumbledore put on a nasty face, and he pulled out his wand and pointed it at them. " AT-EAY UP-AY!!!" he shouted. McGonagall stood up and pushed him down into his seat.  
  
" You may eat, children," she said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief upon realizing what Dumbledore was saying, and began to eat. Harry, however, was staring at his plate. The parsley was talking again.  
  
" Hello, Harry Potter! How are you?" It said. Harry stared at it. " Fine, I guess. How are you?" Suddenly, all the noise in the room disapperead. Harry looked up to see everyone staring at him. " What?" he asked. Professor McGonagall rushed over and grabbed him by the arm.  
  
" Come with me, Potter," she said quietly. " But I didn't do anything!" insisted Harry.  
" It's out of my hands," she said, leading him to a a stone gargoyle. She stood out in front of it, and cleared her throat.  
  
" Four score and seven years ago...." She said the entire Gettysburg Addres, and the gargoyle sprang to life and moved aside. McGonagall pulled him up a spiraling staircase and into a round office. There, at the desk, sat Professor Dumbledore.  
  
" Ello-hay, Arry-hay," he said. " Hello," answered Harry. Dumbledore looked up at Professor McGonagall. " Inerva-may, Hat-way is-ay his-tay all-ay bout-ay?" Professor McGonagall sat down next to Harry.   
  
" Well, Professor, everyone was begining to eat dinner, when above the noise in the hall, there came a sound lke swishing parsley. Everyone turned, and there was young Harry, talking to the parsley on his plate!"  
  
Dumbledore nodded. " I-ay ee-say. Inerva-may, lease-pay eave-lay, I-ay ust-may peak-say ooh-tay arry-Hay lone-ay." Professor McGonagall left, and Dumbledore turned to Harry.  
  
" Professor, why can I talk and understand parsley?" asked Harry. Dumbledore smiled.   
  
" Arry-hay, I-ay am-ay oing-gay ooh-tay ell-tay ou-yay a-ay ittle-lay nown-kay ecret-say. As-ay ou-yay now-kay, uo-yay and-ay uor-yay arents-pay ere-way ttacked-aay   
y-bay he-tay ark-day izard-way oldemort-Vay." He said, seriously. Harry nodded.  
  
" Ell-way, it-ay is-ay a-ay ittle-lay nown-kay ecret-say hat-tay Oldemort-vay as-way ctually-ay a-ay iant-gay ushel-bay ooh-fay arsley-pay." Harry jumped up.  
  
" Voldemort was actually a giant bushel of parsley?!?!" he said in surprise. Dumbledore nodded.  
  
" Es-yay. I-ay elieve-bay hat-tay Oldemort-vay ransferred-tay ome-say mazing-aay arsley-pay ower-pay nto-iay our-yay ody-bay." Finished Dumbledore. Harry sat back down. " I have amazing parsley powers......just like Voldemort......." he looked up and Dumbledore, then into a mirror hanging on Dumbledores wall, then back at Dumbledore.  
  
" Cool! Well, it was fun talking, but I'm hungry. See you later!" And Harry left Dumbledores office.  
  
Harry went on to have many adventures at Hogwarts, but that is a story for another time, because I am tired of typing. My fingers are tired. Goodnight.  
  



End file.
